I awoke to a cloudy, windy day. I don’t like the winds, I never have—a bit ironic for someone that was raised in a town called“Hurricane”. I feel like the unruly gusts of air leave behind an echoing hollowness of unrest. As though they threaten to blow away all that I know and love.
The tempest is not only outside my bedroom window, it seems to have crept inside me--when I wasn’t looking. I thought I was being so strong lately, but the winds of change have caught me by surprise, and are knocking down all of the walls that I have built to keep my life safe and peaceful.
The first big gale hit earlier this week. Burke admitted that he has still been having symptoms his cancer is there, and that the 14 weeks of treatments have not worked. This reality has swept away my hopes that life could go back to normal very soon. Burke has already scheduled his bladder removal surgery for May.
The force of this emotional cyclone of cancer has taken its toll on our family and I have tried to put my head down and keep moving forward through this storm. As a friend of mine put it more precisely with a quote she shared with me, “When going through Hell, don’t stop!” I have tried not to “stop” and wallow in self-pity while dealing with my husband’s cancer.
I thought I was doing pretty well forging through life's storms, until the force of another squall hit today. Burke’s boss called and told him that one of the people in Burke’s group at work will have to be laid-off. There are only four people in Burke’s group. He wanted to give Burke the opportunity to transfer within the company to Sterling Heights, Michigan. Wow, I don’t know how I would ever survive a winter there, after living in sunny California for the last 28 years. How could I leave the place I call home, a place I love so dearly? Also, how could we leave Stanford Hospital where he has been receiving treatment? And, if Burke were to be laid-off, who would hire someone who has cancer?
It is now very late at night. I can’t hear the wind outside anymore. I am glad it has stopped and left behind the stillness of peace and quite in the darkness. I hope the storms of my life will also calm down soon, very soon.
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Elaine, you are a brave woman. No one can walk through the storms of life and not be inadvertently ruffled from it. I think you have weathered this monsoon quite well. Whatever happens, know that our love and constant prayers (and frequest fasts) are with you and Burke. Thanks for keeping us updated.
ReplyDeleteHi, Elaine! I'm sorry about your news and that now you are beginning to feel uneasy with everything. It's impossible to be strong all of the time. Lean on your friends and know that we love you and wish we could do more.
ReplyDeleteElaine, we are so saddened by the news. Please know that you are constantly in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Liz, Linda, Jeff and Marcela. I hope some doors in life start opening for us. Right now we feel like we have been backed into a corner. Sure appreciate your kind words, encouragement, and prayers. I couldn't make it through all this without it!
ReplyDeleteSo much to deal with all at once, and all of them so life changing. I'm so sorry. I liked your analogy of going through hell and not stopping. I hope to read your book some day when the storm is all over. I'm sure you will have a powerful story to tell.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Cynthia. I apprecite your wonderful comments. That would be my ultimate dream--to some day write a book. Glad to know I will have at least one reader! :-)
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